Gettin there – One day at a time
Published on December 20th, 2009.
It’s been exactly 2 weeks since my last update. In this time, I’ve binged on cookies, cakes, junk food well sorta and other things that I’d abstained from eating for well over 3 months.
How do I feel about this? Absolutely terrible. I feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed yet I feel somewhat satisfied that I’m finally figuring out what makes me tick.
I’m back in the saddle so to speak, back on the bandwagon counting points and watching what I eat. Being outta control like that was a VICIOUS cycle and I mean vicious. The self talk I was experiencing that was coaxing me to continue my bad habits what ridiculous. It’s evil really, plain evil.
So yeah, maybe I wont make my Christmas goal. And yeah I probably wont hit my new years goal weight either but at least I’m back in control and learning from my very bad mistake.
The eating thing is by fat the most difficult habit to break. It’s so easy to slip and so hard to get back on track but I’ve done it. This deserves a pat on the back no?
Just a quick little update to let everyone know that I’m still here, I’m still fighting and working through some evils that almost sabotaged my efforts. Yet, I’m still victorious!
Filled under Christmas Challenge, Daily Thoughts, Food & Drink, Weight Watchers. 3 Comments.
time to face the music
Published on December 6th, 2009.
I can’t help but feel like absolute poo about these last few days of bad eating. I mean it’s only natural that a person feels guilty and ashamed for not doing what they are supposed to in a given situation. I know I should eat well, I know I shouldn’t cheat yet it’s like there is a force bigger than me that is compelling me to shove 5 chocolate chip cookies into my mouth.
My first biggest mistake was eating albeit a small piece but a piece nonetheless of that pizza earlier this week. I just should have said no, I should have just been smarter than this but yet I felt somewhat obligated to eat it cause it was my FIL’s birthday dinner. The other part of me is somewhat disappointed that although the in laws know i’m on a diet they still insisted on feeding me enormous amount of fat and grease.
The last few days have been the aftermath of that night. I’ve been insatiable in the sense that a tiny little piece of pizza has started a chain reaction of hunger and cravings.
After feeling bad for myself for two days I’ve realized that I need to face the music. I need to step up and be mature about the situation and just go right back to eating well. It’s definitely way easier said than done. Oh and did I mention how frustrating this all is… damn frustrating.
I haven’t weighed myself at this point cause I know that if I show a gain which I know I will I’m likely to give up on this altogether which I just cannot do. I have no choice, I need to get back on plan and I need to do it quickly.
Yesterday was a better day. I didn’t indulge like I did the few days prior yet I did manage to eat some chocolate chip cookies that left me feeling totally bloated and guilty. Oh the guilt was unbelievable.
Today, I’m planning on keeping myself SUPER busy so I don’t have the urge to eat anything that isn’t WW friendly. I’m slotted to do some shopping with my mom and MIL and I’m gonna plan ahead. I’m bringing some lunch and a couple of snacks. Thus, eating out will NOT be an option. They can do what they want – I’m making a decision right now to not eat anything that I haven’t verified the point values on.
I’m gonna weigh myself on weigh in day Wednesday. Hopefully if I eat clean from now til then I wont report a HUGE gain. I’m setting myself up to expect a gain so hopefully I wont be as disappointed when I see it. Oh who am I kidding, i’m gonna feel like shit when I see it but I need to face the fact that this is ALL MY FAUT! gah!
It all comes down to control and right now, I’m like a freight train that’s derailed completeltly. I’m fine when I’m on plan but the moment I deviate from the norm I feel outta control and consequently I get outta control ya know?
How have you dealt with these situations? Has this ever happened to you? I guess I need to know that someone else out there has had a cheat week and then jumped right back on the wagon!? Insight? Opinions? Anything?
Filled under Daily Thoughts, Food & Drink, Weigh Ins, Weight Watchers. 5 Comments.
it took just one bite!
Published on December 5th, 2009.
The last 3 days have been HORRID, TERRIBLE, AWFUL, EVIL, you get my drift.
On Wednesday night I went to the inlaws house to celebrate FIL birthday. Well, they had ordered pizza, hoagies etc etc. Now, I didn’t want any of it but there was really nothing else to eat so I ate 1/2 a slice of all dressed pizza. It’s like that sliver of pizza completely sabotaged me and my diet.
I’ve eaten horribly. I am so ashamed and upset with myself and angry that you can’t even imagine. I couldn’t sleep last night cause I was thinking about my food choices and how evil they’ve been these last 3 days.
Today, i’m jumping RIGHT back on the wagon. I’ve planned out my day already and there is not room for cheats of any kind! None!
I’m heading to work super early this morning and don’t really have time to update more than this. Just wanted to give everyone a heads up that i’m around and fess up about how naughty i’ve been!
tsk tsk tsk
Filled under Daily Thoughts, Food & Drink, Weight Watchers. 2 Comments.
meh, meh, meh, double meh
Published on December 2nd, 2009.
I’m a little freaked out to be honest. Until today, I’ve been super excited to jump on the scale every weigh in and report my losses. Yet, this morning I did it cause well it was the thing to do but I wasn’t nearly as excited and curious as I usually am.
The verdict, I weight in at 158.7lbs. Technically, I’ve lost 2.2 lbs since last Wednesday. Now, you think I’d be thrilled with a 2.2 lbs loss yet I kinda feel indifferent. I’ve been bouncing around from 158.5 up to 158.9 down to 158. 3 and apparently I settled at 158.7 lbs this morning. Although I’ve lost over 2 lbs this week I sorta feel defeated that I didn’t get below my lowest reported daily weight of 158.3 if that makes any sense.
I’m tagging daily weighing as the problem. Sure, in a perfect world I’d drop like 2/10ths of a pound everyday but unfortunately some days I gain and others I lose. At the end of the week it all sorta balances itself out and usually, well most of the time, I do report a pretty decent loss at the end of the week.
You know it’s pretty damn silly that I’m frustrated and a little discouraged by not being able to get below my lowest daily weigh in this week. It’s only 2/10ths of a pound. I’d thought that by now I’d be able to see past a stupid number and just be satisfied and encouraged by my week to week losses. Apparently not.
The solution: I need to stop weighing in every darn day. This is obviously much easier said than done. Weighing myself every morning has become a ritual and I think it’s gonna be super hard to just instantaneously stop doing that. So, since I don’t wanna become a closet weigher and then totally freak out in private which I know I would do I’m going to cut my weighing back to every other day and see where that takes me.
If i’m not as aware of my daily fluctuations hopefully I’ll get back on the path of appreciating the progress I’ve been making. Eventually, I want to weigh in once a week and that is IT!
So, I am reporting a 2.2 lbs loss this week, which actually brings my total amount lost down to 19.3 lbs which in the grand scheme of things is still amazing! I’m just gonna remind myself of that all day!
Question of the day: do you weigh every day or once a week? Which works better for you and why?
Have an amazing and on plan!!!
Filled under Daily Thoughts, Weigh Ins, Weight Watchers. 3 Comments.
point hoarder part 2, old habits don’t die young
Published on December 1st, 2009.
At the beginning of my journey when I first signed up with WW I was having a really hard time allocating my points (you can read more about that here). Anyway, at the time it seemed like I was subconsciously hoarding my points so I had more room to play at dinner. Why? I totally didn’t trust myself to stick to plan if I only had a small number of points. The cycle was actually quite frustrating: eat small brakfast and small lunch cause what if I was ravaging hungry at dinner. Not so hungry at dinner. TONS of pts left over after eating. That’s what usually came of it.
My solution became cornflakes. They’re relatively low point. Somewhat sugar free and made for a nice “use up my points” snack after dinner.
So yesterday, I was busy running around and then I was super busy at the office that I had a really low point lunch. By the time I got home it was past 8 and my hunger had sorta just gone away. I ate a couple of bites of food and that was it. After logging everything, I was short some 9 points. GAH! 9 points is more than just a snack it’s a meal. I shoulda just gone to bed and stopped obsessing about those 9 points.
Instead, I ate a stupid bowl of cornflakes with skim milk. Result: 0.7lbs gain this morning!? WTF? It was a small bowl of cornflakes!!!!
Truth is, I didn’t measure my cereal but regardless there’s no way I ate more than 2 cups of cereal. I didn’t meausure the milk but again there is not way that I used up more than 2 cups. So, there’s no way I went over my points. None!
I think that my problem is that I ate them late and went straight to bed. This is the culprit. The lack of any form of activity after eating those cornflakes. Although I can’t really help the fact I work late almost everyday I gotta find a way to eat earlier in the night so I don’t end up screwing myself like this again.
But, I remain optimistic. I’m not gonna let a stupid .7 gain get me down. I’m gonna track my points today by planning my entire day! I’m also gonna bring myself dinner and eat it at the office like normal people and see what the scale has to say about that tomorrow morning!
What do you think? How does your weight fluctuate if you eat later in the evening? Gains, losses?
Filled under Daily Thoughts, Food & Drink, Point Issues, Weight Watchers. 4 Comments.
Let it snow
Published on November 30th, 2009.
The weather man is finally calling for snow today. Usually, at this time of year, from what I remember anyway we had at least a thin layer of the white stuff on the ground. It’s December 1st tomorrow and we have yet to have any snow at all. I love snow. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Yeah, it makes transporation a nightmare, it makes everything wet and messy but it’s SNOW and it’s almost Christmas and well it’s just not a true Christmas without snow. Now, if I lived down south of course that would be different cause snow isn’t the norm. But up here in the north we get snow and lots of it. We ski, skate, crosscountry, build forts you get the drift!
As of yesterday, the city looked a little something like this:
totally not Christmasy if you ask me! Even my students have noticed! One actually asked me how Santa would get here if there was no snow on the ground. Apparently, in the mind of a 7 year old Canadian, the sleigh needs the white stuff for traction! lol
My weekend was a mix of things. Saturday I worked (helping some students prepare for final exams) and then spent the rest of the night just hanging out with DH. Yesterday we decided to give the furniture hunting another shot and finally found something we love! The prices are outrageous but definately not as outrageous as some of the other places we’ve been. The bedroom set we just absolutely fell in love with is this one. It’s the nicest one i’ve seen so far and I absolutely love that the chest of drawers is super tall and oversized! We also get the option of picking the handles, stain and bed style. We’re debating between the bed in the picture or a sleigh bed. We’re planning on heading back there next weekend to buy everything so we’ll be making our decision this week!
So seeing as it’s the end of the month I’ve gotta mention that i’ve lost 7.1 lbs and knocked 3 points off my BMI in November! My goal was actually to lose 10 lbs but looking back on it, I’m happy with my loss cause I gave it my all without really ever going hungry ya know?
My goals for the month of December remain the same. I plan on eating within my points each day without dipping into my flex pts. The only thing that’s different, is I will up my exercise. Apart from the benefits of helping me lose a little more it really just makes me feel better. I tend to be calmer and stress free when I exercise! It’s definately a good way to burn off some of that pent up work stress that I used to eat my way through before!
What are you goals for December?
Filled under Daily Thoughts, Exercise, Weigh Ins, Weight Watchers. 5 Comments.
Time to fess up
Published on November 29th, 2009.
The biggest hurdle on this here weight loss journey is portion control. You heard me I stink or should I say used to stink and figuring out exactly how much I should eat versus how much I want to eat.
It’s a learning process though and from the get go I made it a mini-goal of mine to learn about portion control along the way. You see, I know some people who know some people who totally manipulate WW and still eat horribly. WW is one of those diets where you’re allowed to eat whatever you want in moderation and so it leaves a lot of flexibility. I was talking to a friend of a friend yesterday and we were discussing WW and how well she’s been doing on WW and we got to the topic of points. Apparently, she literally starves herself on the weekends (during the day) so she can binge on a HUGE dinner. Last night, she was heading out to KFC with her boyfriend.
This all got me thinking ya know about the REAL point of WW and what it does for most people and what we learn blah blah blah. I guess, although my goal is to lose 40ish pounds I’m more concerned with learning how to eat properly for the long term. I’ve lost weight before so I know how difficult the maintenance part of it can be if you don’t take the time to actually learn how to eat. It’s actually a destructive disaster if you ask me.
So back to my mini-goal about portions. You know like i’ve said before I’m not interested in dumping all this weight quickly (learned my lesson about QUICK weight loss already). Rather, I wanna learn how to eat well and WW it doing just that right now.
I’m without a doubt more AWARE of what i’m eating. I’m also more alert to the portion of foods I eat. Old Laurie woulda just dove straight in and had a buttered roll to top it off. But, new Laurie analyzes, studies and ponders before she eats anything. Enough talking in third person lol – it kinda freaks me out.
All this to say that this weekend has been the ultimate test of portion control and awareness. On Friday, I decided to treat DH to his favorite meal: Lasagna! Although awesome, Lasagna is definitely not diet friendly so I have to admit I was a little hesitant cause I was scared I’d binge on it. But, alas, I didn’t.
Why?
First I modified the original recipe which had been passed down from my grandma. This recipe comes straight from Italy and as a result it’s full of fat, carbs and goeey Italian goodness. I used ULTRA lean ground beef instead of medium, I used cooking spray instead of oil and I precooked and drained all the filler stuff (mushrooms, onions, meat etc) before I actually added it to the sauce.
When it came time to build the thing and trust me it was like a mini engineering project I used low fat mozzarella and low fat parm cheese. I really couldn’t do anything about the pasta since you need the pasta to make lasagna so I just cut as much fat as I could on everything else.
The true test came when we sat down to dinner. I had previously added all the ingredient to WW online to get a rough approximation as to how many points I was dealing with here. Yikes, it was like a monstrous 10 points for 1 serving and a serving was probably some 2 inches by 3 inches big.
I had the points for it and took an executive decision to eat the lasagna but skip out on my after dinner snack. So yes, I treated myself to a piece because well I planned ahead for it and made ALL necessary modifications to stay within my point values for the day. I didn’t go back for seconds. I ate my piece and then followed that up with an AMAZING mixed green salad and guess what TOTALLY and I mean TOTALLY satisfied! Props to portion control!
The true test came yesterday though when DH and I got home around 2ish and had yet to have lunch. The leftovers were sitting in the fridge and DH decided he wanted it all over again. So, I was left with the choice between eating a 10pt slice of lasagna for lunch no less and then having to really be light on my dinner or not eat it. Obviously I wanted it, who would pass up a piece of homemade lasagna. So, after some thought I decided to have half a serving for some 4.5 pts with a salad and guess what ? TOTALLY enough!
The old laurie would just ate it. I probably would just ate another piece ontop of the first 10 pointer. But the new me doesn’t do this anymore. I watch, I think and I make good decisions cause now i’m equiped with the tools to do so!
Awesome!! 
Filled under Daily Thoughts, Food & Drink, Non Scale Victory, Point Issues, Weight Watchers. 5 Comments.
mirror mirror on the wall
Published on November 28th, 2009.
First and foremost HAPPY WEEKEND fellow fat fighters! Alas, I am working today like usual. It’s okay though since I generally get Fridays and Sundays off!
Last night, DH and I decided that we’d head out for a coffee. In an effort not to go alone we decided to invite another couple along (SIL/BIL). In theory, the evening should have been great but I found myself completely uninterested in anything let alone conversation. I was very tired and so I guess I couldn’t even force myself to make small talk. So, I kinda sat back and just absorbed everything they were saying.
Now, I’m not the type to fish for compliments. Heck, I HATE being the center of attention but SIL not once mentioned my weight loss. Yeah, I know this sounds petty but there is some real animosity there between us concerning this issue. You see, when DH and I met, SIL was REALLY overweight and since she’s exactly my age we have some friends in common (more like acquaintances) and it got back to me that she thought I was a “skinny bitch”. Now, this comment was made over 6 years ago but nonetheless it really stuck to me like glue.
As I started to gain weight, I felt like she liked me more. Does this make sense? I guess as I got fatter she felt less fat and accordingly didn’t despise me as much. Anyway, at the time of her wedding she lost a significant amount of weight on WW I think and so she LOVED to be around me. I kinda felt like she was using me as comparison tool. In any case by the time of her wedding she was about my size (160ish) I guess, and our relationship was a-ok!
Well that was three years ago and in the meantime I gained about 18 lbs and she stayed approximately the same. So, she was probably smaller than me until now. So last night, I was curious to see if she’d say something: nope, nothing, nada! Not even the slightest comment to me. Nothing.
Now, it’s definitely not because we see each other often and she didn’t notice. I swear the last time I saw her was in late September when I was at my highest weight. Yet, she didn’t say a damn word last night which really hurt me.
You see, when I notice someone has lost weight I ALWAYS tell them how great they look and how well they are doing! Why? Cause I know how important it is to encourage someone as they fight the fat! Weight Loss and the journey to healthy eating and exercise requires motivation, encouragement and support! It is imperative that you call attention to it so the person knows that you support and encourage them ya know?
All this to say that I was hurt that she didn’t mention anything. I know she noticed cause when I headed off to the ladies room she asked DH “what diet is Laurie on?” yet she couldn’t talk to me about it directly!????? And, I know it’s not cause she was to uncomfortable to talk about it with me cause generally she has no inhibitions!
The moral of the story is this: yeah it woulda been nice if she said something encouraging to me. But, at the end of the day I really don’t care. My weight loss so far is about no one but me: not even DH. I’m doing it for me and I don’t give two shits about who notices, why they notice, and who says what about it!!
All of this leads me to wonder if jealousy can actually cause a person to not be supportive of someones weight loss journey? Have you ever encountered a situation like this?
Have a wonderful day everyone! Be strong and keep your goals in mind!
Filled under Daily Thoughts. 10 Comments.
Beautiful Friday
Published on November 27th, 2009.
I was doing a little blog maintenance this morning (updating weight stats and such – btw New Monthly Weight stats can be found here) when I realized that I’ve been on plan for 88 days. Where did the time go? My gosh, time really does just fly right by. 88 days into this, I’ve lost 19.5 lbs meaning that I’m more than half way done my journey. Oh my gosh!!!! I can’t believe that I didn’t realize how far I’d actually come.
It seems like just yesterday that I’d lost my first couple of pounds and wishing and imagining what it would feel like when I’d lost 20! Now that i’m almost there, I didn’t even realize it! Talk about missing a MAJOR milestone!
I can’t say that I feel any different actually, which is probably a good thing. I tend to run out of steam quickly but this time I was just so involved in my new eating lifestyle that I didn’t even realize where I was at. I guess then, we can assume that my new lifestyle is just that : a new lifestyle. I haven’t had a terrible time so far. I mean yeah, there are definitely hungry days where I could literally eat myself into a stupor but I don’t cause well I don’t need to anymore. Funny how only 88 days later and already I’m seeing a huge change in my attitude towards food!
Today, I weighed in at 158.5 lbs. I’m now confident that I’ve attained my new weight decade. Sure, I was thrilled when I weighed in at 159.something earlier this week but it was still so darn close to the 1-6 that I needed another small loss to confirm that I’m now in the 1-5! It really is a great feeling! an AMAZING one actually!
Like I mentioned in my earlier post (you can read that here) I haven’t weighed this much in just about 6 years! Looking back on the last time I lost a significant amount of weight I can now see just how terrible my diet actually was. 88 days it took this time, following WW almost to a T when the last time I think I hit the 150’s from the same starting weight in about 7 weeks!
I’m really grateful to have found a plan that I can live by. Without WW I don’t think I could have done this on my own. Actually, let’s face it I couldn’t have done this AT ALL without the WW program. I’ve learnt about portions, healthy choices and making adjustments to my diet that I never thought possible. I used to live to eat – seriously. Now, I eat to live! It’s just such a liberating feeling to know that I am not controlled nor obsessed with food and eating anymore!
All this to say that this morning when I realized that I’m half way there I got this overwhelming sensation of “I can TOTALLY and I mean TOTALLY do this”. I’ve come so far. Yeah, to some 19.5 lbs doesn’t seem like a huge achievement but to me it’s the confirmation that yes, after all these years of maintaining an unhealthy relationship with food I’m finally on the road to dumping this sucker and developing healthy, maintainable and normal eating habits!
I must mention also that blogging, the blog community and the wonderful ladies and gents over at 3fatchicks have helped me ENORMOUSLY. Reading your stories, admiring your honesty and watching all of you fight the same fight as me has been an irreplaceable force driving me this far! So thank you blog world!
Have an AMAZING day everyone!
Filled under Daily Thoughts, Food & Drink, Non Scale Victory, Scale Victories, Weigh Ins, Weight Watchers. 3 Comments.
are you kidding me?
Published on November 26th, 2009.
So remember that job I told you that hubby got? Well he got fired/layed off/sent home cause they apparently “couldn’t keep him”!!! WTF? How did you not know this when you hired the poor guy? It has to do with two things I’m sure although the company will never EVER admit it. I’m sure that first that stupid HR guy didn’t get shit right when he told hubby that he’d get him a better salary. The guy probably stuck his foot in his mouth and then the company choked. Yet, why not just sit down and discuss it? Second, the job required he speak a second language which he does! He speaks it damn well but has an english accent cause well he’s english. Again, these butts knew this cause the interview was done completely in Spanish! His spanish skills didn’t deteriorate over night!
So, i’m not mad about the job really. Cause, i’m sure something else will come up soon but, i’m infuriated that they hired him, let him work 3 days and then told him we “can’t keep you”. How unprofessional is that?????
Oh and of course since hubby is probably the most sensitive person on the planet (way more sensitive than me anyway) he showed up at my office last night, pale as a ghost with tears in his eyes telling me things like “I wasn’t good enough” etc etc etc. Poor baby. Talk about tearing a good guy to shreds. Poor thing is super loyal, would have made an amazing employee but didn’t even get the chance! Life is really unfair sometimes. BUT, when one door closes, 10 others will open.
I spent the good part of the night consoling my DH. I tried to explain to him that it just wasn’t meant to be. I really believe in that ya know? When something is meant to happen it just will! Having said that, i’m sure something good will come of this. I’m sure he’ll find something perfect for him shortly! But still, talk about a totally sucky day! gaaaaaaaaa
Filled under Daily Thoughts. 3 Comments.
Recent Comments